It’s done. Well, almost.
Affidavit for Decree without Appearance. That’s it’s formal name. The last form I had to file with the courts. My marriage is, and has been, but now officially is, over.
A mix of emotions is the slop I’ve been swimming in for the past few months. I mean, not that the last few years haven’t been a giant cess pool of emotions, but for sake of simplicity and knowing that there are more posts to come to address said emotions, I will limit to the previous past few moons.
There has been nothing “simple” about the emotional process of this. I was the vocal, moving force in this decision to divorce. Does this mean that I’ve been in bliss and joy the whole time? Not even a little bit. Sure, I know this is the right path, I know that this path saved my life, my spirit, my soul, my body. And, it’s been a tidal wave. And not just one big one that slaps you with momentum, leaving your bikini to abandon it’s true occupation and you looking like a birthed seal looking for land. Multiple.
Today is a deep, fairly calm pool of sadness. Sadness over the loss of something that was once the thing that gave me buoyancy and life. Sadness for what was unactualized. Sadness for a great Love that died over the years and left me to imagine its existence.
The turning of a tide starts today. I’m a big advocate of marking spaces in time. Celebrating the small things and large things. The tide is heading back out to sea today. Moving into the spaciousness and vastness of the ocean.
I want to find starfish and see coral reefs and play with sea turtles and touch a sea cucumber.
I’m headed out to sea.